Friday Fuck Up: How Not to Squeeze a Fried Egg into a Panini Press

“Can you find a use for this?” Nick, more told me than asked me, as he ditched two leftover baguettes at me and market manager, Rebbie, as the Mount Pleasant Farmers Market was closing up.

I slathered goat cheese on the baguette when I got home, topping it with a tomato, for an easy after-market lunch before a good deal of napping took place. The next day I had plenty of baguette left. It hardened by then.

How could I use it: croutons, french toast, bread crumbs… Nothing excited me. I then remembered the panini press that’s been sitting in my apartment unused for about, well, since I moved into my apartment 4 years ago.

I wanted to squeeze a fried egg into this breakfast panini. Because really, how could I eat a sandwich before noon without an egg? The sandwich turned into an elaborate kitchen mess: sauteing garlic scapes with spinach, browning sun gold tomatoes, tearing basil, shredding smoked cheddar and baking bacon.

The problem I realized is the width of the baguette. There  was no fucking way all of this would fit.

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The Goldilocks of the Farm

Many weeks ago I asked Bryan from Truck Patch Farms why he brought so few eggs to the Mount Pleasant Farmers Market. He told me it was too hot and the girls refused to lay eggs.

Then two weeks ago it was too hot again – they barely produced anything. But this past week, it was just right. It’s like these birds exorcised the essence from Goldilocks. They shot out enormous freaking eggs. Eggs so large the carton needed two rubber bands to keep close. Eggs so large that they’re double the size of any extra-large sized eggs found at the supermarket. 

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Do or Dine: Dumpling Nachos

We thought we’d found the limits of nacho creativity when we told you about wonton wrapper nachos, but then the chefs at Brooklyn’s new Do or Dine had to go and make dumpling nachos. Yep, their “Nippon nachos” are basically nachos made with dumplings instead of tortilla chips. Not dumpling wrappers—entire dumplings. Deep-fried pork dumplings are topped with melted cheddar, sour cream, salsa and scallions.

Game on, ESers — what’s the craziest food you can turn into a nacho? Eggs Benedict nachos? Foie gras nachos? Steak tartare nachos? I honesty can’t think of anything I wouldn’t want to eat in nacho form (And big up to Lorie Marsh, who has already written in with her amazing chili cheese nachos. Thanks, Lorie!)

A little more about the awesomely named Do or Dine: two front-of-house workers at Manhattan’s fancy-pants restaurant The Modern branched out to Bed-Stuy with one of the most creative high-end/lowbrow menus we’ve seen yet. They also officially win our search for America’s most creative deviled egg with this:

 

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Getting the Most Out of Your Boyfriend, Roommate, Sister, Dad, etc

You know when you find something that your boyfriend, roommate, sister, dad, etc…can do really well—and it totally shocks you—and then you make that boyfriend, roommate, sister, dad, etc…keep doing it? Well, I discovered Bennett can poach the hell out of eggs.

The discovery occurred over Father’s Day. We finished our annual Gary Poppa 5K and the family looked to me to create a festive lunch. I dreamed up a take on eggs Benedict with a mini savory waffle standing in for an English muffin. It was then topped with caramelized onion, a poached egg and a creamy roasted red pepper and basil sauce all with a side of crispy potatoes. I delegated the tasks: my dad took on the waffles (I know, it’s Father’s Day but my dad adores cooking so it’d be unfair to make him just watch), my sister helped me with the sauce, my brother mixed up cocktails and I turned to Bennett for the poaching.

It was his first time poaching so he read a few articles, stressed out, and then poached 8 eggs. And only 2 (the first tw0) were overcooked. The eggs we used that day were a bit older and through his research we learned that poaching with fresh eggs makes the whites stay together more. We vowed to poach the next batch of eggs bought from the farmers market.

This brings me to my next spin on eggs Benny.

 

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Sometimes You Gotta Take It to the House: Decadent Vacation Eating

Sometimes on vacation you take a step back. You remember that this is not some isolated period and choose yogurt for lunch, because what happens here (aka insane food and drinking choices) will catch up with you in non-vacation land.

Sometimes, though, as my friend Matt would say, you gotta take it to the house.

And this is where this large mound of meat comes in. On my first day in Cleveland I wanted something decadent, something that I could eat slowly, enjoy an alfresco setting, and take in an exotic beer. I found my match at The Greenhouse Tavern in an adorable, if not somewhat manufactured, alley in the midst of downtown.

After conferring with my server, I decided on:

Hand Ground Beef Tartare Frites w/ pommes frites, 42 minute egg, salted red jalapeño & condiments, $13.

Before my dish came out, I took a trip to the Ladies’. I walked down the stairs and as soon as I looked up I was in the kitchen watching a woman butcher a huge pig. I just stood and stared. After that, I had a good feeling about my meal. Ordering a raw dish can be scary, but knowing what care they take to bring in animals, I was ready.

Honestly, the dish was everything I wanted. Fresh meat, slightly seasoned with chives. Crisp fries with two (!) dipping sauces—a kicky dijon mustard and a creamy aioli—and three additional toppings of finely diced red onion, finely diced cornichon, and finely diced poached and roasted jalepeno (the most interesting item on the plate). And a barely cooked egg, even though it had been heated for 42 minutes.

I chatted with Jerry, over the phone, to find out exactly what a 42 minute egg meant: The egg is kept in its shell, with only a small crack made at the top. It’s then dropped in a water bath and held at 150 degrees for 42 minutes. The egg is cooled in an ice bath before landing on top of raw beef.

For that exotic beer I mentioned, well, exotic is relative: I sipped on a stout, Tallgrass Brewing‘s Buffalo Sweat, from Kansas.

 

My Similarities with a Fox

My first meal on a weekend will never be a salad. Monday through Friday, sure, I’ll put together something healthy. Something with kale. Something with yogurt and berries. But all I want Saturday revolves around the difficult task of bringing eggs to the farmers market.

This Saturday Truck Patch farm only brought about 20 cartons of eggs; they usually have triple. I grabbed a dozen right away. Weeks earlier, when Brian the farmer didn’t show up with many eggs, he told me the reason was it was too hot. The chickens wouldn’t lay. And I was like, dude, I totally get it. I wouldn’t want to do much of anything in this heat, much less squirt out a fucking egg. I figured the same thing happened this week. But no. Another natural occurrence took place – a predator ate the eggs. Brian found broken shells.

I can’t blame that fox or coyote for lapping up all those runny yolks.

Luckily though, they saved some for me.

Yolky Sun with Zucchini Rays


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Cocktail O’Clock: The Velvet Pith

The Velvet Pith from Bourbon Steak in Washington, D.C. is one of those wintry egg white cocktails, but re-imagined for summer: cointreau, whipped egg whites, freshly grated nutmeg and fresh basil.

More of Bourbon Steak’s summer cocktails, after the jump.

 

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