Endless Simmer - A Food Blog

If it’s a Monday morning in the middle of May, it must be time for Washington Wizards fans to look back on another first-round playoff loss to the Cleveland Cavaliers. As usual, there’s controversy, but this time, it involves food.

Jon over at So Good had tickets to the fateful Game 6 on Saturday night, and of course was on the lookout for any corporate giants to take down, so he was delighted to see Wizards fans wearing shirts that taunted LeBron James for being a crybaby, especially when he realized these shirts were sponsored by Papa John’s Pizza.

Some shrewd marketing pandering by Papa John’s to endear themselves to the quality-pizza-starved Beltway crowd, but unfortunately for the company, it turns out people in Cleveland have both television and the Internet. And they are not happy.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with LeBron James, his status in the state of Ohio is roughly similar to that of Jesus, albeit with less concern about genocide.

Fast forward a few hours, and angry Cavs fans are swearing to never eat at Papa John’s again, the Boycott Papa John’s website is up and running, and the corporate office has been forced to issue an official apology to LeBron Nation, complete with a $10,000 donation to a Cleveland charity and a slash of their prices in the Cleveland area to 23 cents per pizza (pick-up only, those bastards). Of course, if you take into consideration the high-quality ingredients used in Papa John’s pizza, they’re still looking at about a 22 cent profit on each pie.

After the j, check out So Good being interviewed (!) about the controversy on Cleveland television.

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Let me tell you, getting this shot off was NOT easy.

So 80 and I were walking home from work and we’re just yacking away or whatever, fine, I’m yacking, and all of a sudden I’m screaming, “OMG, that’s totally Andrew Sullivan blogging at Subway!”

I stop dead and make 80 walk past the Subway to double check. And yup, it is. I then pull out my phone to snap a picture, but with no zoom on my cell, I realized I would have to go *inside* to get a picture off.

The plan: 80 would go in, buy chips, I would pretend to check my phone and start snapping away. Well, apparently 80 all of a sudden grows some morals (if they’re growable) since his much-noted celeb sighting and doesn’t want to go through with it. I immediately call BS for back up.

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It’s a slow news week down in D.C., what with the Presidential campaign fully focused on Pennsylvania. So we sent our photo chief, 80 proof, down to National Airport to see if he could spy any celebs eating. In no time at all, 80p caught sight of the Mouth from the South himself, CNN commentator/Clinton family godfather James Carville.

I have to admit I was previously under the impression that Carville only ate fear, but as you can see, he stopped for a pre-flight snack at Einstein Bros. Bagels. But get this - Carville sat down, ate his Einstein Bros., and then immediately got back up and went to get some McDonalds, and ate that. Nice eating, Jimbo!

Don’t forget to send your pics of celebs and near-celebs eating to info@endlesssimmer.com

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Dear DC Tonic Brunch,

I love your neighborhood bar and restaurant at night, but for brunch, you have failed me miserably!

So Beware Tonic Brunch upstairs, you have officially pissed off Liza.

.

You didn’t even provide the BASIC necessities of any establishment. NO WATER! We had to ask five, YES FIVE times to get a cup of water. NO SILVERWARE! Oh, you were out of knives and spoons… well I had to work REALLY hard at cutting my food and I refuse to do any kind of work at all during brunch. NOT COOL. NO COFFEE REFILL! This is a MUST at brunch, and beyond unacceptable. WTF! Your food- if I wanted a bowl of butter I would have asked for that, but no, I ordered GRITS! And your new tortilla buenas… you might as well have given me scrambled eggs with a side of tortilla’s because that’s essentially what this was - no chile flavor at all like you claimed.

You know, I had given you a second chance, even when everyone had already claimed you were not up to par, and what did you do, you basically spit in my face. And in the MORNING! You can’t treat people like that in the morning. Brunch is the one thing I look forward to EVERY weekend, and you ruined one of my favorite experiences. I could not WAIT to get out of your restaurant.

So Tonic Brunch upstairs, you should really just stick to your tater tots, and leave the brunch to someone else, because you did NOT cure what “ails” me, you created an ailment that I was bitter about all day!

Your former loyal customer,

Liza

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As you know, the reporting team here at Endless Simmer makes it our business to inform you of the presidential candidates’ food-related platforms and pitfalls. With the general election campaign just around the corner, the ES Editorial Board is still deadlocked on whether to endorse a candidate. While you might suppose our liberal, big-bacon tendencies have us gunning for an Obama-Clinton dream ticket, GOP-er John McCain isn’t letting us take anything for granted.

Despite several decades in the limelight, the 71-year-old senator’s views on foodie issues are still mostly unknown. Luckily, after a pizza-fueled swing through Brooklyn last week, the presumptive Republican nominee agreed to sit down for one of Endless Simmer’s signature g-chat interviews.

Our (imaginary) chat with Johnny Mac touches on his pizza preferences, Top Chef, the Capitol Hill eating scene, and of course, the secrets to a great passion fruit mousse.

BS@ES: Thanks for agreeing to g with us, Senator. Let’s get right down to business. In a visit to Brooklyn earlier this week, you made one of the toughest decisions facing any candidate visiting New York: where to eat pizza. Walk us through your thinking.

MacIsBack2k8: That’s a fair question and I should admit to some indiscretions in my past. Last time I was in New York, my young staffers took me to one of these new-fangled fairy places in Williamsburg. Supposed to be great or something.

BS@ES: Fornino?

MacIsBack2k8: Some crap like that. It’s hard to believe this is what passes for a pie in this day and age. Decent cheese and sauce, but you should see what these people put on their pizza. Truffle oil! Lamb! Pistachios, for crying out loud. In my day, people didn’t call that pizza.

BS@ES: You might say the variety of toppings was a little too liberal?

MacIsBack2k8: Here’s some straight talk for you, BS. When I visited New York in the 70’s, you could get a decent slice on any street corner in all five boroughs. Today, half of this fancy pants garbage they’re serving in Manhattan and Brooklyn doesn’t deserve to wipe my ass. But if you want a true old school pizza - quality sauce, plenty of mozz., and a stand-up crust that makes the perfect fold - you’ll still find it out here in Bay Ridge - which, I might add, also happens to be the most Republican neighborhood in all of Brooklyn. Not a coincidence, I don’t think.

BS@ES: Are you suggesting Republicans make better pizza than Democrats?

MacIsBack2k8: Look, unlike some of my liberal opponents, I don’t make any grandiose claims. All I’m saying is, you go to Soho, the Upper West Side, Park Slope, you get a a pussy little pie with flimsy crust and all kinds of high-falutin toppings. You go to Bay Ridge, Staten Island, even Long Island, you get a slice. That’s what I’m talking about.

BS@ES: What about toppings then, sir? I notice you opted for ‘ronis.

MacIsBack2k8: Brb.

MacIsBack2k8: After consulting with my press secretary, I want to be sure to state on the record that the tastiest pizza in America happens to come from my home state, the great state of Arizona. Spinato’s in Phoenix is a personal fav.

BS@ES: LOL - tasty pizza in Arizona - that’s a good one, Senator. But let’s be serious. I’m headed to D.C. later this month. Any power lunch spots you recommend?

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With the NCAA basketball tournament tipping off this afternoon, America’s brightest young minds are poised to spend the next month doing what they do best: getting drunk and yelling at television screens. When all the blood, sweat, tears - and beer - are swept off the court, the nation’s 18 million college students will be left in search of one thing: some grease to soak it all up.

While you were finalizing your bracket picks, Endless Simmer carefully evaluated the tournament field to compile this list of the tournament’s Top 10 Colleges - ranked by the drunk food they have to offer their hungry, hungry students. Eat that, U.S. News and World Report.

10. University of Wisconsin - Mac ‘n Cheese Pizza

Photo: J&J Blog

Oh maaaan, I need some pizza. Cheesy pizza. Mmmm, cheese. No, wait, I want mac and cheese. Oooh! Pizza with mac and cheese on top! That’s what I want.

If you have ever said or heard a statement like this, you are almost certainly a drunk college student. Also, you probably live in Wisconsin.

The Badgers may have been dissed by the selection committee (29-4 can’t get you a no #2 seed??) but Wisconsin never was as good at sports as they are at creative use of cheese. Madison drunks flock to Ian’s Pizza for this gooey, magnificent creation that just couldn’t come from any other state.

9. Rutgers - Fat Darell

Photo: AP

Don Imus’ not-so-favorite team is back in the women’s tourney as a Number 2 seed, while the Rutgers men were sent packing after a miserable season at the bottom of the Big East.

But don’t feel too bad for the Scarlet Knights - they can always console themselves back on campus with a Jersey summer full of Fat Darrells, a behemoth of a sandwich that solves the drunk’s eternal dilemma of “Do I want chicken fingers, mozzarella sticks, or French fries?”

The answer: a resounding “all three,” piled high on a sub role and topped off with marinara sauce. I’d tell you more about it but I’m a little short of breath and I feel a painful shooting sensation in my arm.

8. Purdue - The Duane Purvis All-American

Photo: Flick User Horsepj

You can be forgiven if you didn’t know the name of Purdue’s All-American half-back/full-back from their undefeated 1932 football team. But you should damn well know the burger that bears his name.

The Triple XXX Family Restaurant in West Lafayette, Indiana serves up this decidedly unwholesome Boilermaker classic: 100% sirloin patty with lettuce, tomato, pickle, Spanish onions, and….wait for it…peanut butter. Only a drunk or Elvis - perhaps only a drunk Elvis - could fully appreciate this brilliance.

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