Endless Simmer - A Food Blog

You know we love our Top 10 lists here at Endless Simmer. So today we’re spreading the love around the web and shouting out the funniest food stories we’ve ever seen presented in list format: the very meta Top 10 Top 10 Food Lists:

10. Top 10 Songs With Sexually Suggestive Food Metaphors: From Tom Waits’ strawberry sundae surprise to MC Lyte’s hot peas and butter, the Frisky brings us the dirrrrtiest food songs of all time. Wait, I seriously thought that “peaches” song was just about peaches.

9. Top 10 Creepiest Fast Food Mascots: Remember that nasty Quizno’s rat/hamster thing? Seriously, what marketing exec OK’d that? And did you know Ronald McDonald used to be even weirder than he is now? Fanpop’s list will keep you up at night.

8. Top 10 Food and Drink Hacks: Lifehacker gets all Macgyver on your kitchen cabinet, with tips on how to build a fire from chocolate and Coke, freeze perfectly clear ice cubes, and open a beer bottle with one sheet of paper (seriously!)

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Following up on ML’s Table for 12 post, I’ve been thinking about cheating. Do you feel better (more authentic, more accomplished, etc.) when you cook a dish using absolutely no pre-processed ingredients? Health concerns aside, do you feel better knowing that everything that appears in your dish started out at the most elemental level possible?  Or are there certain prepared items that are just fine to include, like mayonnaise and canned chicken stock? I just ask because I made Caesar salad (not pictured above) from scratch the other night, and I was a little extra jazzed about the fact that everything — down to the breadcrumbs – was home-made.

So, is it OK to compromise on the  “authenticity” of a dish by taking one or two Sandra Lee-esque shortcuts, or does making a dish in a completely elemental way truly add a meaningful touch?

I apologize for making you think on a Wednesday.  Here’s some smörg to cleanse the palate.

- A look at Bobby Flay’s newest cookbook, which just so happens to be part of the prize pack for our grilling contest.  Be sure to enter by midnight tonight!

- Two former Hell’s Kitchen contestants, including Robert Hesse, are joining the kitchen at a restaurant in the Hamptons.  The post gently refers to Robert as “memorable.”  You’ll likely remember him as the giant dude who collapsed at the Borgata.  Yeah, that’s memorable, alright.

After the jump…Ray-Ray keeps collecting the hardware, a culinary-journalism crisis of epic proportions and Tony Bourdain takes aim at your favorite grocery store.

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I hope you’re all doing well today.  I’ve been a bit under the weather lately, so I’m not going to try to be particularly funny today.  I know what you’re thinking — “Why start now?”  Good one!  I bet you’ll feel bad when I’m rushed to the hospital.

Yep, I’m fairly certain that I’m sporting a strain of the Swine Flu, which I undoubtedly acquired as cosmic retribution for recently purchasing pre-diced prosciutto for use in risotto this past weekend.  Let that be a lesson to you:  Try to cut corners and run the risk of a serious infection.

Our favorite corner-cutter…Ruth Reichl goes for “funny ha-ha” in a video…and the unholy marriage of fast food, entertainment & marketing — plus a whole lot more smörg after the jump.

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Happy April Fool’s Day, everyone!  You know…it’s that day where everyone expends time and energy playing hilarious practical jokes on completely unsuspecting friends and colleagues.  It’s AWESOME.

On a completely unrelated note, I have some good news!  I’m proud to announce that I will be getting my very own show on the Food Network.  It’s going to be called The Voracious Blogger and, instead of actually cooking, I’m just going to go around and make smart-ass, critical comments about food cooked by actual chefs.  ‘Cuz that’s what we bloggers do…amIright?!?!

- In addition to the news about high-profile chefs at the new Yankee Stadium, we get word that there will be a number of Food Network stands at the ballpark.  Word is that there will be appearances by Food Network talent, too.  I can’t wait until they have Robert Irvine there so he can talk about his six years as a backup third baseman for the Pittsburgh Pirates and Oakland A’s.  Oh, wait…that didn’t really happen?

- Anthony Bourdain fully expects to make waves with his next book, which he’s calling “a post–Kitchen Confidential look at how the industry has changed.”  Let’s not kid ourselves…you know you’re going to buy it.  Just try not to embarrass yourself at the book signing, OK?

- Speaking of Tony…what happens when he realizes that nemesis Rachael Ray is also a fan of the pre-”Hot, Hot, Hot” Buster Poindexter/David Johansen-led proto-punk legend New York Dolls?  Confusion ensues, and threats of fruit baskets and dead puppies abound.  As for the fruit basket, it looks like Rachael beat him to the punch…

After the jump…a new way to get your Colicchi-fix and this week’s obituary.

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- We almost cried watching Obama’s first meal on Air Force One……when he said he liked his burger medium-well…who is this guy??? [Nat Geo]

- So, um, he’s a total liar. After making a bold bipartisan move to keep Bush’s White House Chef on staff, Barack and Michelle go ahead and bring their Chicago chef to DC to cook for them anyway. This apparently should please Alice Waters and all those demanding a foodie change in the White House. [Obama Foodorama]

- Speaking of Waters’ budding political activism, looks like our fav chef’lebrity, Anthony Bourdain, has settled on her as his newest enemy, telling her to leave the ‘bamas and the rest of us the fuck alone already:  I’ll tell you. Alice Waters annoys the living shit out of me. We’re all in the middle of a recession, like we’re all going to start buying expensive organic food and running to the green market. There’s something very Khmer Rouge about Alice Waters that has become unrealistic…. [DCist]

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ES usually doesn’t publish on the weekend, but after getting a tip from Maidelitala, we just had to link to this ridiculous rumor filled article about how our girl Padma was fucking our boy Anthony Bourdain while she was still married.

OMG!

Mo’ Better Meatty Meat [DISGRASIAN]

Pics: LA Times, NY Mag

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Yup, Endless Simmer’s favorite hero/villain is back in action with a new season of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. The first episode of the season, which airs tonight at 10 eastern, has Tony traipsing through Mexico, soaking up the sun and salsa, and making us really fucking mad about winter.

At least with Bourdain back and Top Chef returning, we won’t have to go outside much this week.

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Ah, another year gone, another Endless Simmer Eater of the Year crowned.

It’s only fitting that after Anthony Bourdain was crowned EotY in our inaugural 2007 poll, Bourdain’s veganizing nemesis Hezbollah Tofu took home the award in our second annual contest.

Winning an impressive 48 percent of your votes, HT held off all challenges from Julia Child, John Mayer, Michael Pollan, Kendra Wilkinson and Cindy McCain.

HT may be taking a break from the full-time recipe writing, but their spirit will live on with one of the most coveted honors in the eating community — a permanent spot in the Endless Eater Hall of Fame.

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As far as we know, no one has ever carved Hezbollah Tofu’s likeness into a cornfield maze.

Julia Child has solidified her second place position in our Eater of the Year awards, but she’s still miles behind Hezbollah Tofu, and Alex is not happy: OMG people don’t STOP being important just because they DIE. SHE WAS A FREAKING SPY. The Mata Hari of duck a l’orange!!! The Tokyo Rose of the tarte tatin! I respect Michael Pollan and all, but seriously, people, we’re vying for legend status here.

And Hezbollah Tofu seems to have developed a nemesis of her own in Matsumi: Don’t get me wrong, I kind of liked the idea behind H. Tofu in the beginning, even if the creator seemed a tad creepily obsessed with the chef she claims to disdain. But that obsession has only escalated into the absurd (no, really, I’m sorry Bourdain won’t sleep with you or killed your puppy or whatever it is he did to incite *that* kind of obsession…maybe you should seek therapy or get a new hobby. Just sayin.)

While Rachel stands by the frontrunner: I love Hezbollah Tofu! It brings a funny and very intelligent approach to one of the most pressing problems around food facing us today. How do you create delicious and wonderful food that is also cruelty free and environmentally friendly? HT encourages people to experiment and create these types of meals and share them with others. Michael Pollan just reports on the problem that HT addresses. As far as the others, Julia Child is dead, Kendra deserves props for embarassing Olive Garden but can’t legitimately be considered an informed eater. And Cindy McCain hasn’t eaten anything since 1987.

Love that last line, Rachel. Don’t know what the eff we’re talking about? Check out the nominees here, and vote below:

[Poll=30]

Photo: The Ethicurean

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