There’s a Lot at Steak

steak chart

Guys, this column is for your eyes only so all you broads out there who stumbled onto this thinking that they might pick up a cool recipe or cooking tip can just stop reading now. This is intended for the Bros and not the Hos, so gals Google Jimmy Choo and we’ll see ya later…

They gone?….Alright then. Dudes, we’ve gotta unite. Time is definitely running out and ours is the last generation before the unthinkable so I’m talkin’ all in and balls out on this one! I’ll get right to the point:

We’ve gotta get the girls to stop eating our meat.

You heard me. Some of you guys love to shove it in their mouth anytime they ask for it but I’m telling ya, you’ve gotta start thinking about the rest of us here. This planet ain’t getting’ any bigger and with the way that the world population keeps growing, things aren’t looking good for us Male Meat Meisters. You’ve gotta face the hard facts and accept that Mother Earth has topped out on cattle production, i.e., those four legged steak factories. The world’s bovine fart chart is way in the red and it seems that methane and the ozone get along about as well as Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell, and we ain’t getting’ anymore cows but we’re gaining a bunch‘a new meat eaters everyday.

The world’s population hit 5 billion in 1987 and shot up to 7 billion by 2011. We’ll add another billion by 2024 but the world’s cattle population peaked in 2006 at about 1.4 billion and is going down while demand goes up.

Tired of paying 48 bucks for a decent steak? That’s gonna seem like a real bargain soon. Here in the U S of A, in January of 1987 wholesale beef was 85 cents a pound.  But by January of 2012 it was $2.25 a pound. That’s wholesale! Droughts, disease and shrinking graze-able land also get thrown into the mix which paints a pretty bleak future picture for us revelers of the rib eye.

But what if half the world’s population stopped eating beef? Like, say the half that wants to know how they look in that little black dress but then wolfs down a hundred dollar dinner and then get’s mad at you because you let them eat it and now they can’t go to Gina’s pool party this weekend ‘cause nothing fits and it’s all your fault! If that half of the world’s population gave up meat then the term ‘fat cow’ could be used without resulting in tears and objects being thrown at your head and neighbors complaining and the sound of police sirens!

Anyway, I’ve had time to really ponder this now that I’m eating all of my meals alone and I think that if we could just pull together man-to-man it just might make the world a better place to live in. It would mean less stress on the ranchers, less stress on the environment, and less stress on half the world’s people—our half.

And literally guys, it would be one less thing for them to beef about.

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  • KGx September 9, 2013  

    I have female genitalia and I’ve stumbled upon this page and now I’m commenting. Oh dear!

    We are all omnivores – no matter how much you try to turn us [with female genitalia] into vegetarians… That shit ain’t happening.

    If you wanted people with female genitalia to stop eating meat, why would “make sure” the “broads” aren’t here to read your “article”? The lack of logic is outstanding.

    Anyway, just thought I should let you know that myself and millions of other people regardless of genitalia will carry on eating meat – and by god, we’re going to enjoy it.

    People regardless of genitalia need protein. People with female genitalia tend to have more fat storage as that’s how bodies are made, and protein has a great amount of fat in it.

    Instead of “stopping” people eating meat how about ask all these men to stop eating SO MUCH meat on one plate? Surely that would make sense. After all, have you not seen Man V Food? I rest my case.

  • Katt Kasper September 9, 2013  

    Y’know…when yer right, yer right! I stand corrected.You’re apparently very knowledgeable about this subject. And when you back up your argument with scientific facts like “protein has a great amount of fat in it”, well, it really puts me in my place. And the Man Vs. Food reference hammers home the point that ALL men eat so much meat! Brilliant! You’re apparently a Johnie Cochran with female genitalia. I know that I don’t have to worry about you taking this as sarcasm as you’ve demonstrated an uncanny ability to uncover my hidden agenda of turning all females into vegetarians. Bravo! I DO agree that millions of people should continue eating meat regardless of genitalia, and by god, they SHOULD enjoy it! Thank you Madam for your keen insight. Your powers of rebuttal have cut me to the quick, and I ask that you please accept my humble apologies now that you have deftly demonstrated the error of my judgement.

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