All Bow to the King of Condiments

All Bow

Apologies that I haven’t contributed anything of substance lately but I’ve been locked deep inside the ES Test Kitchens trying to perfect the ultimate food condiment and I think that all of my hard work has FINALLY paid off! If you’ve ever had the great fortune to eat off of one of those big city food trucks that specializes in middle-eastern chicken and rice dishes served on top of fresh Halal bread, then you know what I’m talking about; the magical secret all-purpose white sauce! It’s that gunk that makes everything it’s squirted on taste better. From waterlogged hot dogs to fusion tacos to simple soups and chili, this stuff is so good it would make a corpse edible. (That’s just conjecture on my part and it has nothing to do with my research!)

After countless variations and taste comparisons I think that I’ve finally hit the perfect combination of ingredients that make what I refer to as my ‘Valhalla Sauce’. I call it that because this stuff is so good only the Gods previously knew how to make it. And also because ‘Valhalla Sauce’ sounds a lot better than ‘Angel Jizz’.

Katt’s Valhalla Sauce

Ingredients:

1 cup of mayo
2 Tbsp. of prepared horseradish
½ tsp. salt
½ tsp. cracked black pepper
1 Tbsp. lemon juice
¼ cup of white vinegar
1 cup of Ranch dressing
1/3 cup of plain Greek yogurt
1/3 cup of sour cream
2 Tbsp. white sugar
3 tsp. dry dill weed

Now even though this is MY perfect white sauce, might I suggest that you use this as a starter to perfect your own version. I bought a six-pack of those plastic squeeze bottles and this recipe makes enough to fill two and a half. When you’re making this recipe combine all of the ingredients except the last two. Then, equally divide what you’ve made and separate it into two bowls. Add one tablespoon of the sugar and one and a half teaspoon of the dry dill weed to the first bowl. That will represent this recipe. Some of you will prefer sweeter and less dill while others may prefer the opposite. This is an easy way to find out. If the first bowl is too sweet, add less to the second bowl. Don’t like dill, use parsley. If the sauce is too thick, add some water. Too thin, more mayo, etc. Personally, I use a lot more horseradish, dill and pepper than what I have here but I just add it to one squirt bottle after I’ve made the others and I label it for my use only. The first ten ingredients are the key to this recipe. Once perfected, welcome to Valhalla!

The King

The King’s close-up!

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13 comments

  • Ali March 15, 2013  

    This sounds freakin amAzing!! I am the queen of condiments and I want to marry this sauce. Long live the king.

  • Peter March 16, 2013  

    First off, this recipe is nauseating.

    Second, tzatziki sauce is just yogurt, no mayonaisse or ranch dressing or sour cream.

    Third, “halal” is not a type of bread. It’s called a pita, “halal” just means prepared according to Islamic law, like “koser” means prepared according to Jewish law.

    It’s hard to say what’s worse, your ignorance of the cuisine you are aping, or that you would not only consume ranch dressing but would mix it with mayonnaise and yogurt, but either one of these things should disqualify you from food writing.

  • Katt Kasper March 17, 2013  

    Hmmm, never eaten off of a food truck, eh? If you ever do, ask the proprietor what’s in their white sauce and they will all tell you that it’s a ‘secret’. Take a few of them out for drinks later and most will give you three quarters of the ingredients that I have. I don’t remember referring to ‘tzatziki’ in my blog so I don’t care if it has mayo or not. If it’s just yogurt, why don’t you just call it ‘yogurt’? And since I’m not making this according to Islamic law I don’t care if you use a pita, a tortilla or a hot dog bun. This isn’t a ‘traditional’ condiment, hence the term ‘white sauce’. If you don’t like this recipe, don’t eat it. But since I doubt that you’ve attempted to try it I’m apparently not the only ignorant one here.

  • Matt March 17, 2013  

    Since the bar for accuracy has been set so high by Peter, how exactly does one keep “koser”?

  • Tak March 18, 2013  

    Sounds great!!, i’ll be trying it this week.
    Thanks a lot :)

  • Jackie March 21, 2013  

    LOL! I haven’t tried the sauce yet, but the visual demonstration is great! :)

  • Uncle iqbal April 8, 2013  

    Thanks for posting this article as it was very helpful thanks alot…:)

  • Cam October 16, 2013  

    Whoah there Nellie! Back up of that horse radish a hair! I’m loving this recipe, seriously sublime! Don’t listen to the trolls this is good work! But my first bath tasted a little too much like I poured a Bloody Mary on some lamb…

  • Chris January 3, 2014  

    This recipe was literally nauseating. Ranch? Have you actually been to the NYC carts? This tasted nothing like it. Almost threw up after the first taste. Definitely not worthy of its Valhalla title. Disappointing at best.

  • Robert April 9, 2014  

    Thanks for this recipe. I haven’t tried it yet but will give it a shot this weekend. Just my opinon, but I don’t think that carts use this many ingredients in the white sauce. But if yours tastes close enough, then awesome. I’ll try to report back after I try yours. Thanks again.

  • K. Kish January 29, 2015  

    No. I actually worked at The Halal Guys for a long time. This is not the recipe. Not even close. I don’t even know where you got 8 of those 11 ingredients from.

  • nadia February 19, 2015  

    Prepared horseradish which company cuz it’s has a lot of them and where I can get the dill weed plz let me know

  • yuppicide July 13, 2015  

    Totally disguisting. Ranch does not belong in here.

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