The Twinkie Key Lime Pie

So after doing extensive research for an up-coming blog post involving whiskey with a couple of friends who own a medical marijuana dispensary, I was on my way home when, for some unexplained reason, I had a sudden urge to consume multiple packages of Hostess Twinkies. Maybe it was spawned from recent reports announcing their soon demise (or perhaps I just had a sweet tooth), but I was suddenly jonesin’ for some serious sponge cake face time. Luckily for me (and those around me), I was not driving but had a sympathetic chauffeur who gladly pulled into the next 7-Eleven in order to shut me up, as well as to record my drunken, zombie-like stagger into the store on his iPhone.

While at the cake and cookie display I found that indeed the Hostess Twinkies were no longer being stocked. In its place was the ‘Cloud Cake’ made by Little Debbie which looked to be a Twinkie clone. I encountered two young skateboard enthusiasts who were eating out of opened packages of cherry pies and mini donuts. They had blazing red slits for eyes and looked to be in a mild state of euphoria as I reached across them and grabbed a box of those golden crème filled delights. “Dude, those are awesome!” said the taller of the two. “You’re gonna be soooo stoked!”

I thanked him for his support, paid for my treasures and then treated my chauffeur to a YouTube-worthy clip of me face planting after tripping over a parking curb. Thirty minutes later I was alone in my kitchen and just about to sample one of the Cloud Cakes when I noticed that on my counter was a large bag of un-used limes. For some reason a key lime pie also sounded like something that would taste really good at this moment and I realized that I had all the ingredients. I decided that now would be a good time to make that pie since I needed something to keep my hands busy as I was desperately trying to regain sobriety. I un-wrapped my first pack of Twinkies, eh…Cloud Cake, and then went to the freezer and pulled out my store-bought, pre-made deep-dish pie crust. And just as I was about to take my first bite of that bright yellow love log, it slipped out of my hand and fell into the pie tin. Suddenly, there was a bright light and the sound of angels singing! The room began to slowly spin and the music started to intensify! Could this be a sign from above?

Nah, I was pretty wasted. So I thought I’d combine the two and this is what I came up with.

Katt’s Twinkie (Cloud Cake) Key Lime Pie

4 Twinkies/Cloud Cakes
1 pre-made deep dish pie crust
3 egg yolks
The grated zest of 2 limes (about 1 ½ teaspoons)
1 (14 ounce) can of sweetened condensed milk
2/3 cup of freshly squeezed lime juice
1 can of whipped cream

Alright, I admit that this recipe contains a lot of slacker elements (the pre-made pie crust and the canned whipped cream), but give me a break here. The condition that I was in when I threw this together was such that had I not taken pictures throughout the process I wouldn’t have even remembered making this. I woke up the next day to find an empty pie tin and Cloud Cake wrappers strewn around my kitchen. I don’t even recall if it tasted good, although the fact that I ate the entire pie in one sitting is a good indication. However, I’m also missing one goldfish, which is a bit unsettling…

Anyway, bring your eggs and pie crust up to room temperature. This can be accomplished by taking them out of the fridge and then deciding that you simply MUST listen to a particular CD while you cook. Then, look hopelessly for that music for about an hour until you finally make the realization that you never actually owned that CD in the first place. This was the technique I used, so I’m sure it’ll work for you. Then, bake the pie crust at 350 until the top edge starts to brown (about 10-12 minutes).

Next, grate the lime zest and then squeeze the juice until you get 2/3 of a cup. As you can tell, these aren’t key limes but believe me, they were tart enough. I ended up using 8 limes to get the required juice. I’d cut 2 in half and then microwave them for 10 seconds prior to squeezing them as it tends to make them more pliable and easier to juice. I used the jab-a-fork-into-the-lime-and-twist method which, in my condition, required a good deal of concentration.

Then, throw your egg yolks into an electric mixer with a wire whisk attachment and beat the eggs and lime zest at a high speed until it’s fluffy. Now gradually add the condensed milk and continue beating until it gets thick. Lower the speed and add the lime juice just until it’s combined, then turn off the mixer.

Now you can add the Twinkies (or Cloud Cakes) to your pie. I went with four because I really wanted to taste the lime pie and when I placed 6 in the shell, there was barely any room in between the cakes. This would also provide me with 4 huge slices of pie, each with its own Cloud Cake center. If you want more Cloud Cake and less pie, go with 6. Also, you have to cut the ends of each Cloud Cake at a 45-degree angle so that they fit into the shell. Or just take a bite out of each one if you’re in a hurry. (Don’t ask me how I know that).

Pour in the pie filling and then pop it into the oven at 350 for about 10 minutes, or until the filling sets. Remove it and allow it to cool on a wire rack, and then put it in the refrigerator until you are ready to serve it. Place it in the freezer for 15 minutes before you cut the pie, otherwise the filling will be a little mushy.

Hit it with some whipped cream and fill your pie hole! Eat it all in one sitting, go to bed, and wake up the next day wondering what the hell went on last night.