Hungry for More

I’ve got some good news and some bad news. First, the good news; according to the Organization for Economic Co-operation and Development (OECD), in the highly coveted world competition among developed countries to see which nation is the most obese, the world-class leader is once again (drum roll please),….the United States of America! Our entire country is 30.6 percent obese, which just crushes second place Mexico, trailing us at a paltry 24.2 percent. Mexico is 4 to 5 percent fatter than they were last year and they still couldn’t keep up with us! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

Now for the bad news; even though there are 1.6 billion overweight and obese people in the entire world, we’re only number one in obese individuals–not overweight ones. There is a difference between overweight and obese. To be overweight you must have a Body Mass Index over 25. To be considered obese your BMI has to be over 30 and morbid obesity is over 40. The rest of the world can’t match our BMIs over 30 and 40, but when it comes to the over 25 BMI group–the merely ‘overweight’–we come in a pathetic ninth place.

I know. It’s a hard pill to swallow. Even if you wrap it in bacon and pour sugar on it. Only 74.1 percent of our nation is overweight compared to 94.5 percent of the country of Nauru, which is the world’s smallest island nation with a population under 100,000. Man, they smoked us! How can their Mango Papaya Sherbet and Coconut Crusted Fish compete with our Krispy Kremes and Quarter Pounders?

What’s weird is, we’re getting fatter but we’re also living longer. Since 1990, men are living over 10 years longer and women more than 12 years longer. If we’re spending billions on health care, can you imagine what the fast food companies are making? Can you even fathom how much McDonald’s would stand to earn if they started building hospitals? It would be a constant stream of returning customers. Envision this: the McHospital! First, you go in for your McBy-Pass. You wake up to see your McNurse bring in your breakfast of Sausage, Egg and Cheese McGriddle along with a tall McCafé’ Frappe’ Chocolate Chip drink and a side of golden hash browns. And when you check out they send you home with a complimentary bag of McNuggets and a triple thick shake. Y’all come back now, y’hear?

Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yeah, we’re in ninth place? Come on people, this isn’t science or math, this is eating! If we all pull together we can kick our normal BMIs into high gear. There’s still time before the New Year’s resolutions and gym memberships kick in. Those diets are just fads any way. It’s embarrassing to think that the greatest obese nation in the world just doesn’t have what it takes to also be the most overweight. And we’re SO close. We’re number nine now but we could be number five by July! And if we push through barbecue season we could be within striking distance by November.

So come on America. We’re not posting these recipes for our health! Start cookin’! Remember, a calorie is a terrible thing to waste. And besides, do you really think a small island nation can compete with our world-class appetites and cheap, readily available fast food?

Fat chance!

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