Burns My Bacon: Anti-Booze States
Do you know what a State Store is? If you do, then you understand my endless rage. If you don’t, then you’ll most likely be enjoying the recent endless wines super-cheap case of wine gift with no frustrations. The rest of us are scrambling to find somebody in a neighboring state willing to open their doors to a case of wine while also willing to refrain from drinking it. (I’ll explain)
I know for most of you, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Some of you can stop at a gas station on your way home from work and pick up a pounder of Keystone for your enjoyment the minute you get home. Or you could stop at your local grocery store and get wine, beer, or yes, even liquor. You have no idea how much the rest of us envy you.
I live in the great state of Pennsylvania. We are home to two great cities, great sports, the Philadelphia Cheesesteak, the Liberty Bell, the homes of Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin, and a site of which the constitution was drafted. We bring to America great pride in its history. But then there is this giant ink blotch on our state that we just can’t get rid of: The State Store.
Here in Pennsylvania, we are restricted to where and when we can get our booze. If you want beer, you need to go to a distributor. You want wine or the hard stuff?! Who the hell do you think you are? You need to go to what we call “state stores” run by the LIQUOR CONTROL BOARD (not controlling nanny-state-like at all). But wait—you can only go during certain hours, and we do not allow anyone to get any form of alcohol on Sundays (depending on where you live IN PA). God forbid. Phew. So those are the rules here.
Well…there is another catch. Apparently if these state stores (which have a giant selection and are run by experts in wine and booze…er…sarcasm) don’t have what you want, you can’t even order if from another state without going through the state store. And paying a tax nearing 20% on your purchase. You better pay for your booze you drunkard!
So that awesome deal that you’re trying to get…that’s hilarious! They can’t ship to Pennsylvania—that would be blasphemy. I mean, unless you ship it to the state store and pay us back in taxes for allowing you to send a package to our door and hold it for you. That takes a lot of resources you know…
The deal is awesome. I’m pretty excited, and contemplating having the girlfriend let me ship to her house in New Jersey (just don’t tell anyone!). The rest of you…well, you know what I think about you. Pick up a 40 for me next time you’re out…anywhere. Celebrate the occasion that you’re free to buy whatever beverage you want, wherever you want. I’ll be lost in the maze of Pennsylvania legislation trying to figure out HOW THE HELL I CAN GET ME SOME NAKED WINE!
(Photo: Our Awesome Wine Sponsor)