Freaks and Philosophers

I’ve recently discovered that alcohol brings out the philosopher in some, the freak in others. After a long night of tasting and comparing the virtues of different single-barrel bourbons with a small group of friends, the discussion turned to favorite erotic movie scenes, and then onto which past or present celebrity we’d like to spend an active evening with. After we debated each individual’s choice, one of my freaks…err, friends came up with the following philosophical question: If you could go all American Pie on one dessert, what would it be?

Yeah, that was a show stopper for sure, but after we all acted out our best “Oh, that’s disgusting!” response, the bourbon kicked in and a heated round table discussion ensued. The women, it should be noted, requested to use produce instead of dessert items, but we made them adhere to the dessert protocol.

The following is a list of our top five desserts for both the men and women in my twisted little group. I’ve added my own highly researched opinion of the type of person or personality that would be likely to choose each selection.

For the men:

#1. Warm cherry pie (High school virgin)
#2. Two, deep-dish fruit pies (A pie threesome? Bragger/Porn star wannabe)
#3. Cream-filled sponge cake (I’m assuming the cake was filled with cream prior to the act, so I’ll say someone who has been in a long-term relationship)
#4. A large Jell-O mould (Possible necrophiliac)
#5. Freshly baked tunnel-of-fudge cake (I’m not even going to comment on THIS one)

For the women:

#1. A section of peeled grapefruit with warm pudding or whipped cream (Too detailed not to have had previous experience — a sexual provocateur)
#2. A Popsicle (An ice missile? You’re Hot-to-Trot….literally)
#3. A long-john donut (Someone used to erectile dysfunction)
#4. A ginger bread man (Dominance issues)
#5. Chocolate Lava Cake (Taste is more important than technique)

So there you have it. Or, maybe not. The debate rages on. Anybody can love a dessert. But what dessert can you make love to? THAT is the question. So is the pop-n-fresh man your Magic Mike, or is it time to make Mrs. Butterworth your bitch? Let us know food freaks. This is one of those times where you can have your cake, and eat it too.

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