Texts From Thanksgiving

The bird
Have you ever wanted to eavesdrop on someone’s Thanksgiving? Well, here’s your chance. Two of our ES contributors give you their Thanksgiving text-a-thon. We’d also like to hear about your texts from Thanksgiving. Especially those after dessert drunk texts. Those are our favorite.
ML: My gravy won’t thicken. What the fucking fuck.
forkitude: Really? Reduce, reduce. You could make some roux real fast by melting butter in a sauce pan and adding flour and then add it to the gravy.

ML: I’m planning on it. I feel mentally retarded.

forkitude: Maybe you should have purchased “How To Repair Food.” Big mistake.
ML: Oh man. I bet that’d tell me how to fix gravy.
forkitude: Too bad.
ML: It didn’t work. This is a mystery of science.
forkitude: WTF?? Friday Fuck Up?
ML: Uh yeah. I even tried cornstarch. And nada.
forkitude: Just call it jus and you’re golden.
ML: It will still sadly be the best tasting thing on the table.
forkitude: Oh noooo….
ML: My parents and I just had our pre thanksgiving meal so we wouldn’t be hungry later. Oh, my family.
forkitude: My grandma just said she wants ice in her wine… And now the political discussions start. Just shoot me now.
ML: My grandma will be drinking out of the bottle.
forkitude: OMG kill me. Why do we have to debate about the homeless?
ML: I’m discussing sushi with an 8-year-old.
forkitude: Wow that is insanity. My dinner was the shiznit.
ML: I’d like to eat soon? But we keep blowing fuses.
forkitude: Well at least everyone is full from the pre dinner. OMG..my mom’s man friend with an earring and a motorcycle is coming for dessert. This should be interesting.
ML: Yesss.
forkitude: My aunt talking about Mormons: “Well why would you ever want to have sex if you couldn’t have coffee in the morning and drink before you do it?” Priceless.
forkitude: Aunt to mom’s man friend: “Oh look, we have the same earrings.”
ML: Oh my god. I have three different jello molds on my plate.
forkitude: Dude, this texting session needs to go on ES. “Texts from Thanksgiving”
ML: I think that is the best idea ever.
forkitude: I think I just gained 5 lbs from this Paula Deen pumpkin cheesecake.
ML: My aunt just said “black people have mac n cheese for thanksgiving.”
forkitude: “If you have to cover it up with bacon, you might as well just have a BLT.”
“The first part she picks off is the chicken butt.” … “Oh, I love it.” WTF, these quotes are spectacular.
ML: Yes. We are posting this.
forkitude: The cat is wearing a flower petal collar.
ML: “Don’t mix it, just drink it. The soda will make you sick.”
forkitude: “I don’t know if they were poopin’ in the yard or what they were doin’…you couldn’t imagine the smell of this. It was unreal.”
“He’s kind of a plumber.” … “I’ll fix anything, except for a broken heart.” OMG.
“The mom beaver goes: ‘we got a problem with the plumming!’” FML.
forkitude: I wonder if this shit will be funny tomorrow when I’m not buzzed.
ML: I hope so. I just fell asleep on the toilet?
forkitude: Something smells sour. Is it weird that I’m hungry?
ML: I don’t know what I am. Besides angry that I’m waking up at 4 AM.
forkitude: Oh fuck that shit.
ML: I’m poor. I need good deals.
My dad just smushed a stink bug because my aunt wanted to smell it. WTF.
forkitude: Normal.
ML: My grandmother just squished the bug with a turkey salt shaker and now my aunt is smelling it.
forkitude: OMG. Priceless memories.
ML: Aunt: where do they come from? Dad: Asia. Grandma: A lot of things we don’t like come from Asia.
forkitude: These dirty dishes make me want to vomit.
“I make a mean bowl of fruity pebbles.”
“Sometimes my lunch is cheese and bean dip.”
ML: Talking about the cool whip commercial: “My shows don’t do cream or oil. They do titties.”
forkitude: WTF.
ML: Gratoem – grace, toast, poem.
forkitude: I love your family.
ML: “Turkey turkey everywhere. Later you may find some in your underwear.”
forkitude: Amen. I hope other people think this is as funny.
ML: Or else we are going to look like idiots. This gratoem was written on the back of my aunt’s wedding invitation from 1971. WTF.
forkitude: WTF. Well, if my terrine fuck up post doesn’t make me look like an idiot, this sure will.
ML: 9-year-old: “This pie was only $9.99! My mom bought it!”
forkitude: Just my mom, her man friend, and me. This might be a good time to bring my guitar out. Now they’re cuddled on the couch and I just threw up in my mouth.

Friday, 11:45 AM

ML: I just shopped for seven hours straight. Wow.

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  • erica November 29, 2010  

    That’s why i make Marsala Sauce. Well, also ’cause gravy is the nastiest stuff on the planet (and i do realize i’m the ONLY american that feels this way).

  • Borracho November 29, 2010  

    @forkitude and @ML Thank you for sharing! Funny as hell and gratoem will forever be part of my vocabulary.

  • OMGYEAHYOUKNOWME November 29, 2010  

    “black people have mac n cheese for thanksgiving.”????

  • ML November 29, 2010  

    I take no responsibility for anything my family members may have said.

  • forkitude November 29, 2010  

    I’ve never actually heard of anyone having macaroni and cheese for Thanksgiving…

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