The Top 10 Drinks Only America Could Have Invented
5. Pepsi Max
Speaking of our beer consumption, if you’ve ever wondered why American dudes insist on drinking the hoppy stuff so consistently, it’s because our non-alcoholic beverage options are so limited. Drinking soda will make you fat, and drinking diet soda, of course, will make you gay. Thank god the considerate folks over at Pepsi were wise enough to invent Pepsi Max, a sugar-free soda made just for males. I wouldn’t be caught dead drinking Diet Pepsi (how embarrassing!) But a new version of Diet Pepsi with twice as much caffeine, Xtreme packaging, and commercials where dudes get hit in the nuts? Sign me up!
But stupid drinks aren’t just for dudes. We’ve got the 1980’s to thank for this one. Well, them and Minneapolis bartender Neal Murray, who realized there were plenty of gals (and sure, some guys) who wanted to look like they were drinking something suave, but didn’t want it to actually taste like a drink. And thus the birth of the candy-in-a-cup cocktail, and the reason why in half the bars you walk into nowadays, you can barely find anything on the mixed drink list that doesn’t start with something stupid and end in -tini. It’s all based on the idea that if you make the drink look pretty, people will pay you twice as much for it, which works out well for you, because it’s got half as much alcohol and twice as much fake candy flavor. Genius. Also, horrible.
3. Jell-O Shots
And of course there’s the drink designed for those for thought the Cosmopolitan was too sophisticated, too natural looking, and didn’t taste enough like candy. We suggest red, white and blue Jell-O shots this Independence Day.
(Photo: Forty Photographs)
2. Bottled Tap Water
OK, fine, the French may have been bottling their water to wash down their Turduckens for centuries, but at least they claim their shit is from magical springs or whatnot. Only in America could you turn something that falls from the sky on a regular basis into an $8-billion-a-year-industry. The best example has got to be the entrepreneur who recently thought to bottle New York City’s acclaimed tap water, and sell it in stores….in New York. Seriously, people?
What do you get when you mix sugar, phosphoric acid, coca leaf, kola nut, caffeine, caramel color, glycerin and some other flavors so much grosser than that they have to remain “secret?” Why, the most popular drink in the history of the country of course! Pretty crazy that this is something we put in our bodies rather than use to clean rust off our cars. Oh wait, it can do that, too. Yum.