I Will Poop On Cereal
I hate milk. Milk creeps me out. It always tastes sour. Even if it’s fresh. It always permeates an odor of funk. It’s white and watery, yet somehow coats your mouth so that your tongue must thrust its roof, repeatedly, to remove the taste.
Chocolate milk, however, is bearable. But only with equal portions milk and syrup and only if my mom makes it.
And you constantly have to smell it. It’s so high maintenance. So demanding of your time. So not worth your time.
How does an ad campaign featuring glue on celebrities’ upper lips attract users?
And then there are those sugary grains. Sugary grains dumped in a bowl of udder excrement. Would you eat something resembling my friend’s son’s spit up?
What is cereal? Lumps of granola? Lumps of wheat? Lumps of purple U-shaped marshmallows? What are those weird, dried, colorful, fruit-like things? It can’t actually be fruit. Fruit is alive. Fruit ripens and then dies. Cereal lives forever in plastic and on deserted grocery store shelves.
The free toys cannot be worth the price of admission.
Weird magical characters that look like washed-up elves and drunk capt’ns and tricked-out rabbits endorse this product. And so does the letter K.
But the taste. It’s sugar and fakeness. It comes from a cardboard box. It’s not real. It’s made up. Like the cartoons. And OMG-eat this everyday for two weeks and you’ll look like Scar Jo.
Eating cereal takes so much time. So much effort. Such a commitment. You need milk (smell it first!). A clean bowl. A clean spoon. A box of weird clumps. Or is it clusters? What is the proportion? What has Ione Skye been in since Say Anything… And why did her father go to jail? What is so damn alluring about teen angst?
But eat quick. Or don’t. Because some like to eat it like the slop it is. Like Randy in A Christmas Story.
Options, people. Breakfast offers scrambled eggs, sunny-side up eggs, poached eggs. Even fake egg and yellow cheese on a Dunkin Donut croissant. Bagels.
Eat a bagel on the go. Eat a bagel while showering. Eat a bagel after puking in your office toilet. Cereal can’t cure a hangover. Cereal isn’t portable. Like I said, cereal is exacting. Burdensome. Effortful. (Yes, it is a word.)
Cereal is gross. Maybe that’s just me. Oh, and Cinnamon Toast Crunch, dry, eaten in handfuls, itsn’t totally torturous, but I was just a kid then.